Intermediates
Gallantry and accessories
The Pashtuns (or Pashtuns) are an indigenous Afghan people related to Persians and Kurds, among others. The name Pakhtun (Pashtun) probably has the same roots as the two Afghan provinces of Paktika and Paktiya. They derive from the word Pactyan, the name of an Iranian tribe from the Old Persian province of Arachosia, roughly corresponding to today's Kandahar area.
A wedding in Afghanistan is an extraordinary event. All the more extraordinary because it is irreversible. There are no divorces in Afghanistan, and not because they are forbidden. Islam declares a categorical aversion to such a dissolution of family life, but nevertheless allows divorce. Pashtuns, however, do not divorce. It is not accepted, and divorce is considered an indecent act that leaves the most negative mark on the reputation of the entire family. And this one is highly valued in Afghanistan. Therefore, the choice of spouses is taken extremely seriously, and the marriage is celebrated very pompously.
Causes and forms of marriage by Pashtuns
According to Pashtun customs, one of the following reasons is sufficient for marriage:
payment of a debt of bloody ancestral vengeance,
reconciling two enemies with each other,
receipt of a high ransom (kalym) by a poor family binding itself to a rich and influential family,
marriage simply for love.
Marriage with a ransom - when a bride is paid for her family with money or goods. The amount of kalym (redemption) is determined immediately after the inspection and collusion of both parties.
Marriage with exchange - when both families exchange daughters. Kalym is paid in this case as in a marriage with redemption. Sometimes, if the fiancé's side is unable to pay the redemption, a tyke exchange takes place.
Marriage for love - occurs either through redemption or exchange.
The marriage is made to break a bloody vengeance and reconcile two feuding families. This form also takes place with either redemption or exchange.
A form of marriage known to Pashtuns, when a wealthy and influential man, taking advantage of his position, marries a girl from a poor family, often against her will - the girl's family receives a ransom for her.
Marriage with kidnapping of the girl, that is, stealing the bride, with or without the consent of herself or her parents. With this form of kalym is not paid.
Marriage with a girl with whom no one has been matched due to some slander or privation. The parents agree to a minimal kalym or to marriage in general without redemption.
Age for marriage
The very young age of brides is a custom in many Eastern nations. In the Muslim religion, adulthood is considered the age from which religious precepts must be fulfilled - 12 years for boys, 9 years for girls. However, the age for marriage can fluctuate widely depending on a variety of circumstances. In Pashtuns, the age for marriage depends on having the means to buy a wife and support a family. In practice, it is 18-20 years for the fiancé and 14-16 years for the bride.
Matchmaking
Until marriage, young people have no romantic stories in Afghanistan - except for matchmaking. Couples are matched by their parents, and the interested parties themselves have little say in choosing their future spouse. When the boy reaches adulthood, his parents start talking to the parents of the girl, who has been chosen by a woman specially hired to do so. She, exercising discretion, visits various homes and informs her principal about the morals of the family of this or that girl, about the beauty and behavior of the girl herself, as well as about the financial situation of the family. The resumes of the father and mother of the hypothetical daughter-in-law are studied in detail.
Only after all factors have been analyzed and a suitable girl has been chosen, do the young man's parents begin concrete steps. First of all, they establish friendly contacts with the girl's family, without revealing their motives. Even if both parties are interested in this action, for some time no one mentions the possible marriage of the children. It can take a year or two to discuss the subject. During this time there are frequent visits with hospitality and exchange of gifts.
After this period, the boy's mother and a group of women go to the girl's house. The young man's mother begins to praise the girl and her son, and proposes to the girl's mother that their families be related. The arriving women also support her, emphasizing the qualities of the boy, the girl and her mother. At this meeting, the girl's mother says little. She concludes by thanking everyone for the praise she has spoken and insists that the wedding should not be rushed, as the children are still very young. She promises to confer with her husband. The women are offered refreshments.
For several months the talks are suspended. If the answer is negative, it is handed over immediately and in a gentle way, explaining that the girl is weak and can't yet do household chores. If, on the other hand, everything goes well, the boy receives the official consent of the girl's parents. The matchmaking ceremony usually closes with a conversation about the size of the redemption that the boy's father owes the girl's father.
The matchmaking and betrothal
Once the kalym is agreed upon, the bride's father hands the boy's father a silk handkerchief and a needle and thread, and ends the matchmaking. The fiancé's father, setting off for home, sews the kerchief to his challah (turban) so that it can be seen from a distance. When he returns home, he pins the kerchief with a needle to the front door and shoots a few cheers. Women gather, the beating of drums begins, and those gathered sing wedding songs in front of the door with the kerchief. Relatives and friends wish the fiancé's parents well. Engagement customs in Gazni may differ from those in Kandahar and other provinces of Afghanistan. In Nangarhar, for example, at the conclusion of the matchmakers present the fiancé's father with a silk handkerchief in which gold coins are knotted at one end and earth at the other. Silk symbolizes the girl's delicacy and subtlety, gold symbolizes innocence and purity, and earth symbolizes patience and humility.
The period between the engagement and the wedding
After the engagement, both parties usually try to avoid each other. The bride always covers her face when meeting her fiancé or his relatives, who in turn try to see her surreptitiously at all costs. They arrange various ambushes for this purpose and, in case of success, boast one before the other. But the girl then finds herself in an uncomfortable position, as they begin to laugh at her and make fun of her. It sometimes happens that the girl's parents themselves, for a nominal fee, expose their daughter's face to someone from the boyfriend's family.
The fiancé also avoids meeting the girl's relatives. It also happens that in order to see the face of her chosen one, the girl resorts to various ploys, for example, making a hole in the curtain, peeping through a crack in the wall, watching from around the corner, and so on. But when her female friends find out, she will long be the subject of mockery and ridicule.
Pre-wedding preparations
The wedding day for which the parties of both brides agree gives them a time reserve of about 6-8 months. In most cases, the wedding is held in autumn or early winter, as a variety of foodstuffs are available in abundance and people have a rest from field work. The period before the wedding is filled with intensive preparations. A large dowry is being prepared at the bride's home. Women of the house and neighbors are sewing and embroidering clothes for the bride and fiancé. They work day and night. In addition, the young couple has to be equipped with almost all household equipment. It should be noted that the fiancée's mother prepares gifts for her son-in-law - chalmas (turbans), a fur coat, a set of clothes, shoes, a horse, weapons. Although the fiancé's mother is also busy with preparations, nevertheless fewer responsibilities fall on her than on the girl's mother. Among the gifts she will give to her daughter-in-law are a flowery, beautifully embroidered set of clothes, a pair of scarves and gold ornaments.
Before the Pashtun wedding, the fiancé prepares clothes and ornaments for his future wife, while the father-in-law prepares the young couple's home furnishings. It includes beds, mattresses, bedding, pillows, kitchen utensils, cups, kettles, etc. All things before the wedding are presented to guests. In addition to all this, the fiancé prepares some ramen, flour and some other necessary products for the wedding. These are delivered to the girl's house on the agreed day.
When the fiancé has prepared everything for the wedding, he sends his sister, mother or other relative to the father-in-law's house with an outfit for the bride, fruits and other things. This moment is considered the beginning of the wedding festivities.
Preparation of the bride for the wedding
Immediately before the wedding ceremony, beauty treatments are carried out at the bride's home. This is taken care of by almost all the women of the house. This "addition" of beauty to the girl constitutes a very unpleasant process for her. Several women massage her face, wash and anoint her hair with oil and fragrant oils, and the most severe part of the toilet is the habit of depilating her face. They perform it in an ingenious way: one of the women brings a thin silk thread close to her face, while the other grabs the thread along with the hair with a quick movement of two fingers. They perform this very painful operation on all women, paying no attention to whether they have any facial defects or not. They then wash the face with warm water without soap and powder it thoroughly.
A separate custom is to comb the bride's hair. In her house, women, mostly relatives of the girl, gather, joke and play. At one point they introduce and plant the bride in the middle. She is already dressed and adorned. The women braid her braids anew. Here, too, there are different ways of braiding. During this procedure they beat drums and sing a special song. The bride should then shrug heavily and cry, covering her face with a white scarf. According to tradition, the girl must necessarily cry, otherwise women will berate her.
Wedding procession
According to custom, on the day of the wedding, a group of relatives, forming a wedding procession, sets out from the fiancé's house to the bride's house in order to bring the girl to her future husband's house. At the head of the procession go drums and trumpets, followed by the father-in-law and other senior members of the groom's family. The procession is closed by young people, firing rifles. The wedding procession consists exclusively of men. They usually walk the longest way, praying for the glory of Allah. The father of the bride or her relative comes out to meet the procession and leads them to a specially prepared place for dancing and shooting. The chanting and partying continues throughout the night. In the morning the bride, surrounded by her friends and relatives, leaves for her husband's home. She is usually carried in a palanquin on the shoulders of village boys.
Wedding reception
In Pashtuns, a wedding lasts three days. Throughout this time, as far as the financial situation of the families of the two brides and grooms allows, the participants are hosted as best they can. Each wedding reception consists of 8-9 different dishes. All of them are served to the guests, and everyone can start whatever he or she wants - if only with sweets.
Every country is a custom
The forms of Pashtun marriage mentioned at the beginning may look calculating and lacking in sensitivity. It also begs the question: what if the bride doesn't like the fiancé, or the fiancé doesn't like the girl? This happens, but very rarely. Young Pashtuns - boys and girls - simply have no one to compare their married spouses with. For them, there are no premarital romantic experiences with other partners. Their fate has been sealed with one man. And for life he will become the only source of love, tenderness and joy. When Pashtun spouses see that something is wrong with their marriage, they try to improve it, for the reason that they have no other choice. One may ask: Where is the freedom in all this? Except that with all this Western freedom we have, how often do we see truly successful relationships? In Afghanistan, you see them much more often. And isn't the choice of a spouse that we make for ourselves the same lottery - will it work out, won't it? Then what difference does it make whose hand pulls the lottery out of the basket - ours or our loving parent's?
