Custom ngủ duông - or preparation for family life

Many people who are enervated by "Western culture" and recognize the "only right" ethical values do not even suspect that they are breaking down a long-open door. For thousands of years, the peoples of the Far East have raised their children to respect their parents and elders, taught respect for work, and prepared them for harmonious family life. One such ancient custom, preparing young people for marriage, is the custom of "ngủ duông" (which can be translated as "sleeping together") of the Cơ Tu nation.

For the Cơ Tu ethnic minority, as for other nations, getting married is a particularly important event in the lives of two people, their families and the entire local community. And to this day, representatives of the Cơ Tu in the Vietnamese province of Quang Nam cherish a unique custom of their ancestors called "sleeping together" ("ngủ duông").

In the old days, young boys aged 20-22 had to meet certain conditions in order to marry. They had to know how to provide for themselves and their families, how to weave baskets and hunt game... Girls, on the other hand, at the age of 18-20, should learn to cook well and weave cloth before they married.

Living in harmony with nature, people Cơ Here have learned to intersperse hard work with numerous holidays - days of rest. Occasions for celebration include the New Year, the completion of the rice harvest, the opening of a new "nhà gươl" community house, a ceremony to establish fraternal relations between two villages, etc. This kind of community gathering fosters friendships between young people. This is also the time when boys build huts intended for "ngủ duông" in rice fields, on mountainsides or at the edge of the forest. These are essentially huts made of branches and leaves, the existence of which is known to the entire village.

The custom of "sleeping together" applies only to unmarried young people. It gives boys and girls the opportunity to get to know each other better before they decide to marry. A boy and a girl, when they turn 13-14, are free to meet at the ngủ duông house even every night, with not necessarily the same lineup. Therein lies the profound folk wisdom of Cơ Tu, to get very young people to think about whether they still want to be with each other for the rest of their lives after getting to know each other better.

To forestall accusations that here we are promoting some debauched and licentious customs of Vietnamese highlanders, the basic principle of "ngủ duông" meetings should be emphasized: A pair of young people can spend an entire night (or even several nights) together, but only for conversation; any more intimate contact is absolutely out of the question.

It would seem that such prohibitions only cause amusement among young Cơ Tu. Nothing could be further from the truth! Rather, it is our famous "Western culture" that justifies the relativization of moral norms by offering easy and cost-free absolution of evil acts.

Following the usual rules and being careful (even though, after all, no one can see us...) has been stuck in Cơ Tu's subconscious for centuries. And what is the penalty for breaking the age-old rules? According to the laws and customs of the Cơ Tu nation, if a girl becomes pregnant during a "sleepover" (ngủ duông), that couple is subject to severe punishment. They are required to kill a buffalo and a goat, and distribute the meat among all the families of the village, publicly admitting their guilt. In the event that the girl becomes pregnant and the boy refuses to marry her, the entire village community and the girl's family will demand that the boy compensate her family with a buffalo, a cow, utensils and valuable ornaments. Otherwise, the culprit's family will become indebted to the girl's family from generation to generation. Under those conditions, the material compensation is extremely high, but it should be remembered that the moral punishment for violating the ngủ duông taboo can be even more severe. The boy may be excluded from the community, and all the villagers will turn away from him, severing all contact with him.

The custom of "sleeping together" has great educational significance for the entire community, contributing to the responsible behavior of young people who want to start a family. Despite the influence of external cultural factors on modern life, the people of Cơ Tu have preserved this original custom to this day and continue to pass it on from generation to generation.